A story I wrote quite a while ago [around 2005]. It wasn't planned out at all. I merely skribbled it down in my notebook or typed it up when I got ideas. The prologue wasn’t added until later on. I figured I might as well make the ending a little more cheery. I'm not quite happy about how it turned out overall, but my loyal friends tell me it's great. Have fun reading. [also available as an 8-page pdf]
Once upon a time, there was a land that did not exist; in this land lived a fictional character similar to many of todays other exceptional fictional characters. However, there was a difference: this character’s name was George. George did not have a family, or any friends. In fact, he never loved anyone, talked to anyone, or even seen another human being in his life. He lived alone in the forest, in a hut made of twigs which he built himself. You could even go as far as saying he was similar to many of the other great fictional characters of our time. Namely Tarzan and, uh... that man of the Jungle.
It was an unusually hot and sticky day, George heard someone knocking on his door. He opened it expecting squirrels, or some other woodland creature, surprisingly, it was an aesthetically pleasing female. George did not know what to do. Oddly enough, neither did the girl. She was really the princess from a far away castle who went for a very, very long walk in the forest. When she came across the hut, she thought it was odd, because she had never seen a hut in this forest, nor had she even seen another person in this forest. The Princess became curious. Consequently, she knocked on the door. When the Princess saw that it was not deserted, and that a young man lived there, she was in shock. Both being in shock and unsure about what their following actions should entail, the Princess and George both began screaming, loudly. This frightened them both even more, so they heightened the volume of their screaming. They then began running in terror! After several minutes of running and screaming, they both became far too tired to run or scream.
George came into the hut and sat down on a pile of twigs, which was intended to be a chair, and the Princess then sat down next to him. After they both caught their breath, the Princess realized how impolite she had been, so she said, “Hello,” After a long pause, George replied with a “Hi.” Then starting in conversation talked about how funny it was when they were running and screaming, then about the forest, then each other. They talked for hours, and became acquainted. The girl introduced herself as Julie. She noticed how late it was getting and ran outside. The sun was already setting and she was not going to attempt the long journey to her far away home in the castle at night. Therefore, she had to stay the night in George’s hut. George made her supper. After having supped, she undressed and laid down on George’s Sleep-Integer (as seen on TV), then slipped underneath the patch-quilt. George slept on the table.
The next day, Julie awoke to find breakfast waiting on the very same table George slept on. It was pouring rain, and Julie could not go because the road home would be too muddy (princesses oughtn’t get muddy, it’s against the guidelines in page 3 of the Princess Handbook). George suggested they spend the day inside and play some board games. Julie, being quite submissive—although she was technically the authority—agreed to play a few games. First, they tried playing Chess, but the Princess didn’t like it. So they tried Checkers; that got old fast. They went threw a whole trunk-load of games, they tried Mancala, Chinese checkers, even Candy Land. Just as Princess Julie was about to win their game of Candy Land, the roof blew off of George’s hut, revealing a tornado. Moments later the sides of the hut blew off, and they were rendered unconscious by unknown objects simultaneously hitting them in the head. They woke the next morning finding themselves in the middle of a North-American type desert, with board games scattered around them. They continued playing board games until it became far too dark for them to play. After several minutes of boredom, Julie decided that they should make a bed and small fire out of some brush for the night. They finished, and after a moment of consideration, they plopped down back-to-back. Hoping that there would be enough warmth during the night. In the morning, they decided to try and walk to someplace. They walked until dusk, and then conversed about what to do next, “It’s getting too dark,” Julie started, “We need to stop.”
“But, there isn’t really a good place to sleep here. I say we go to the top of that hill and see what’s in the valley below, there’s usually a town in places like that.” George pointed, feeling very sure of himself.
“And what if there isn’t a town, George? Then what do we do?!”
“There has to be something more comfortable than what’s here.” George sighed.
“OK.” Julie replied, as they started up the hill.
It took quite a while to get to the top, and when they did, it was rather disappointing because there were no signs of a town below. In fact, it was pitch-black; they couldn’t see anything at all. From then on, they had to use all other senses to figure out where they were going. It was in this time that they realized how much they needed to bathe, they were both smelling bad right then. By the time they reached the bottom of the hill, they were both extremely tired. George threw himself down onto the ground. Julie, not wanting to hurt herself on something hard, groped at George and laid down with him. They fell asleep immediately.
George awoke to find Julie staring at him funny, she smiled endearingly and turned away. This confused George a bit, and he wondered what she was doing. They were in some kind of field; the grass was so tall that they could not see very far ahead. They walked around for hours in the tall, green grass. As the day progressed it got extremely hot, which could make anyone a little testy, even a princess (although it’s against the guidelines in page 3 of the princess handbook).
“I think I’ve seen this piece of grass before,” George verbalized.
“No you didn’t, all of the grass looks the same,”
“No! They look different!”
“The same!” George hollered.
“Different!” Julie shrieked.
They carried on like this for hours, walking the entire time. They walked right out of the field, arguing the whole time; they didn’t even realize it because they were arguing so furiously. They climbed half way up a mountain before they stopped arguing enough to figure out where they were going. “Whoa, look at this view..” Said Julie, as she stood at the top of the mountain, “It’s beautiful.” A few moments later, George made it to the top of the mountain. The sun had already begun to set. George looked at that, then studied Julie for quite a long moment and finally replied “So are you.” Julie blushed. Then George, out of impulse, invaded her personal space and kissed her on the lips. Now, it would have been a long, disgusting kiss—like you see in the movies—however, a dragon flew overhead, abruptly grabbed the Princess and flew off! Julie gave a scream just before she disappeared into a hidden cave with the dragon. You see, the dragon that snatched Julie was like many other dragons, it was a gold-hoarding, snatch the girl you think is totally awesome kind of dragon. It was also carnivorous.
When Julie was kid-napped, George was terrified, so terrified in fact, that he fainted! In the process of fainting, he fell over backwards and ironically rolled head-over-heals down the mountain, and into the field. When he awoke, he wasn’t sure where he was, and all he could figure out was that it was bright green. It took him three days to get out of the field, and even then, it was only because he fell into the hole of a large, burrowing animal. When he fell in, he had also bumped his head and remembered everything. George could see signs everywhere saying “Beware of Coopabon” ...
He had been walking in the darkness for miles when suddenly out of a side tunnel came a hideous half-snake half-squirrel beast! It had the fangs and tongue of a snake, the head and tail of a squirrel, and the body of a serpent. In addition, it had a mane that ran along its back, from its head to its tail. Its claws that spread far-apart on its body were like the talons of an eagle. This was an absolutely dreadful creature. This frightened George so much that he fainted once again, and in doing so tricked the Coopabon into thinking he was dead. This made the Coopabon loose interest in him.
Meanwhile, in the parliament of morally-incorrect dragons, the princess was shown off like a trophy. They, against the standards of society, forced her to wear next-to-nothing (which was also against the guidelines in page 3 of the Princess Handbook), and threw her around like a toy. The dragons tortured her, but there really isn’t much to say about that either, because this needs to be at least partially kid friendly. She fell asleep many times just to get thrown across the room and wake again. Her bloody, tattered body hardly resembled a princess, but all she worried about then was if she would spend the night in a dragon’s stomach, not appearances.
When George awoke, he was still very frightened, so frightened that he ran right out of the tunnel, threw the grass, the desert, and the forest. He only stopped when he had gotten to the clearing where his hut once stood. It was quite disappointing to him that the only sign of his hut ever being there was the mailbox. He inquisitively opened the mailbox, and found a CD from a company trying to get him to try “Nonexistent On Line,” it was absolutely useless, but he got one every month anyway. George, being so frustrated, picked up his knife, and (out of sheer emo) prepared to kill himself. But before knifing his chest, he made the realization that there is something worth fighting for, and that he would be of no use dead. George knew what he should do.
Remembering the direction he came from, George started walking. George got lost several times in the forest; it took him almost a day to find his way back to the trail. While ambulating threw the forest, George practiced with his spear, waving it around, and carelessly whacking trees. “Watch it” An unknown voice said, as George hit something with his spear. He walked for a while longer... “Ouch!” Another voice cried. “Why did you wake me?” George heard mysterious voices all around him in the forest. George decided to talk to a mysterious voice, it turned out to be a tree. George told this tree his plan to find the Princess, and rescue her, and the tree suggested that he take a “piokehooper” along with him... Piokehoopers are fairly small creatures. They have soft green fur and wings. They also have a stubby tail, pouches in their cheeks to store food and a beak. Basically a green hamster with furry wings and a beak, if you can imagine that.
George and his green little companion, the Piokehooper, traveled out of the forest together. This was a very difficult task because of the trees and you could not see the trail after the years that it had been neglected, so neglected that it was as if it was never there. The Piokehooper had to keep climbing up to the top of trees so he could see what was ahead. There were lots of trees with big mouths. “Going on vacation?” they would say, or (breaking the fourth wall) “Piokehoopers don’t exist, do you think this is a fairy tale or something?!” They were both glad to be out of there... Until they came to the desert. The hot, dry desert. There was not any food that they were aquatinted with in the desert except for at night, and then it was far too dark for them to hunt or even see. On the third night, they had started to tell each other jokes. When it had come to the Piokehooper’s turn, the green, almost plant-like creature started to tell a joke about his mate. His mate was a wonderful flier; she flew with long strides, with wisps of air flowing off the tips of her wings, making only the slightest sound. The Piokehooper (nick-named “Coo”) was unfortunately never able to finish the joke, because legions of ironically zombified undead werewolves began to rise. It was a full moon, and they were near the cave which held the portal between earth, and the alternate universe where the werewolves housed their humble little corpses inside. This was a very bad thing, because unlike his mate, Coo did not have large wings, in fact, he could barely hover (which means no flying off and carrying George). Although the werewolves could not fly, they could move at the speed of darkness, which is faster than the speed of light. (In fictional lands, anyways.) It seemed that there would be no hope. However, Coo had a plan; after telling George his plan, they both ran directly toward the wolves (confusing them) and jumped into the cave...
Julie was taken to a so-called house of maidens, it was really where the dragons kept their toys. There was a harp, a bird that twittered and laid bronze eggs, and about six other women all housed there. She was pleased that there was a bath there, but that was all that she was pleased about. The dragons would remove them from their little “home” as they pleased, and they never knew which ones would be coming back. It was almost as if they were going to war; one minute they were bathing, the next, being pulled out and literally used as a hacky-sack. It was not good, but if she survived, would be alright. Many knights in so-called shiny armor (but really was filthy) tried to rescue these her, but all failed. Day after day the residents of the house worked to please the dragons, but the dragons always came back, and one by one the maidens started to disappear.
George and the Piokehooper went into a portal and blasted out into another place, it was very dark, but they could see a light. Coo figured since they weren’t zombified undead werewolves, they wouldn’t be transported to the wolves’ universe. After thinking about what they should do next, they started walking towards the light. They came out of a cave and entered a large field of grass, a sort of greenness loomed over the place, and the greenness was warm. It was mid-day, and the light was blinding! The greenness seemed to be from the sunlight reflecting off grass, and they were right in the middle of the field that George and Princess Julie had encountered before. They came to the edge of the field and started up the hill, it was hard and slippery, so it took awhile to get to the top. Once at the top, they quickly slid down and around to an entrance to the dragons cave.
George and Coo stumbled in.
There was gold all around, and corpses. They walked further, it was very warm inside, but it was obvious that the dragon was not there, but they still ventured further in. When they were at what seemed to be the end of the cave, George tripped into a trap door. Just before it closed, Coo jumped in. Inside, it was very noisy and there were buildings made of rock and stone, there were street vendors everywhere, and the smell of fresh hot food surrounded them. They seemed to be in some sort of underground, wanna-be utopian city. They decided to walk down the main street of this city. There were many creatures including a dragon or two walking (or flying for that matter) down the main street. In one alleyway they saw a sleeping giant with a funny looking bump on his nose. (But not in a bad way.) This was an interesting place, but the dragon, and Julie were not there.
“Ah!” Julie choked, as she felt a throbbing pain in her stomach. The dragon was carrying her in his mouth. He told her that he was taking her to an auction to sell her as an unpaid worker, and if she did not sell, he would eat her. Julie thought about George a lot, but figured that she would never see him again. Wherever they were going, it felt like there was a blanket of darkness over their heads, a very large blanket.
George and Coo went to see the King of the “Undercity,” as it was called. King Harglyhaggin was a short, chubby fellow. He had a beard that went about halfway down his chest, and—under normal circumstances—would be what one would think of as cheerful and jolly, but not today...
“What do you want?!” the King stormed.
“We are l-looking for a... A p-princess” George studdered impatiently.
“Ah, was it the princess of the Kingdom of Chicken Noodle Soup?”
“Um...”
“I saw her about two days ago, she was with a dragon; said they were going to the (Mostly) Forbidden Realm of Darkness. ” The King chuckled.
Journeying to the (Mostly) Forbidden Realm wouldn’t be easy. Seeing a such scrawny guys on a journey to rescue a princess put the King in an exceptionally good mood, he produced a small business card from the upper pocket inside his jacket. It read: “Bumblybird’s Fowl & Taxi Co.” and the address was 112 Spelunk Drive It also had a smudge on the upper section of the T, apparently they could only afford an Ink jet printer. Their office wasn’t far off the main street, so it was easy to find, but when they got there, the only thing they had were oversized geese. They rented a goose who called herself “Fudge” and rode on her back the whole way. It only took two days on Fudge, but she talked the whole trip, blabbing about all kinds of things both George and Coo really didn’t want to hear about.
The (Mostly) Forbidden Realm of Darkness was desolate, flat, and scattered with dead trees. This was truly a foreboding place. They walked for days, restless and tired, but you see, one could not sleep in the forbidden realm, for if one did, one would be cast into an endless sleep, full of horribly bazaar nightmares. They walked for almost a month; they neither ate nor slept. They seemed to walk forever into an empty, pale world. However, it was not a total loss, they were able to find a cave. The cave was very dark, George couldn’t even see his hand in front of his face. Nevertheless, they kept walking. This was actually a terrible place, for they unknowingly ventured into a cave full of powerful and morally-incorrect monsters. Suddenly, the cave brightened because an ironically large candle was lit, and the monsters attacked! This was a virtually un-winnable battle, Coo and George fought back-to-back with all their strength. Left and right, the monsters lunged at them. Fighting in nearly-perfect formation, George and Coo looked like they were dancing. Blood spattered throughout the night. Coo saw the dragon in the corner of his eye, and informed George. They both nudged towards the dragon, and Coo, dirtied with blood, covered George. They fought their way threw a large group of monsters, just as they got to a clearing, a creature half-crushed Coo’s head. George watched as he died, and in vengeance slaughtered every single monster in sight.
George approached the dragon, and demanded he hand over the princess, “You must kill me first,” demanded the dragon, and that’s what George did, he strangled the dragon with his bare hands. Walking toward the back of the cave, George saw a pale, motionless body laying in the distance. He rushed to the body. It was Princess Julie, holding the tattered Princess Handbook in her arms. Even in death; she still was beautiful. George started crying, and just gave up. Everything seemed so terribly cold ... George picked up a dagger; he saw no reason to live. His dear friend, Coo, was dead. The Princess was dead. Everything was dead. He realized that this could not be real. Dragons were not real, Piokehoopers were not real, and Coopabons were not real. His adventure could not have been real. The princess was not real, and George realized that he must not be real.
It all faded away, as if it were a dream, and it was a dream, when they first met, when the tornado carried them away, when the Coopabon attacked George and the battle in the cave. All a dream ... Just before everything disappeared, George plunged the dagger into his heart, never to be seen or heard from again.
George awoke in a cold sweat to find that he had rolled off the table. Thinking for just a moment, he looked over, and Julie was fine. She looked like an angel, sleeping just as before. George, relieved that she was alive, gave her a tender, affectionate kiss on the forehead and went back to sleep.
Copyright Brian Zick © 2003–2008